When somebody says something odd, well, sometimes itgoes right past you; ever have that happen? You hear it,
but you don't really hear it, so you have to say:
"What was that, oh, I'm sorry, I was lost in something and
didn't catch it, what did you say?" Because she knew
that it was something she wanted to hear, because I
was responding to her bizarre remark. When she said
that odd thing, right then I'd wondered, "why, why
bother them with what they don't need to know?" She'd
said that she'd had to tell her reasons for why she
wasn't feeling well and just hope that she wouldn't
be thought unkindly for what she'd done? My thought
was, "yes but you could just keep your mouth shut?
People get sick all the time, they don't give a run down
of who's hand they shook that sneezed so they caught
the cold, do they?" Yes I realized, that was a bit plastic,
but lately she'd been such a nuisance that it just amazed
me that she felt she had to vent her Spleen in public
and then expect folks to be accepting of the bile?
Now I can think it, just like you, think it, but that
doesn't mean we can say it, does it? So instead my
mouth uttered, "well after all, that was the honest
thing to do." But inside my heart was amazed at
the foolish choice she'd made. Of course some
would say that was courageous; but in my mind,
sometimes not saying something can be a lot more
courageous that saying it...
It was cold out that night; I remembered the cold
because it was the European cold, and the European,
German, cold, is very cold; it gets down into your
bones, quick. We'd been hassled and messed with
and called out to stand at attention in ranks, only
to be told it wasn't going to happen, until every
nerve in us was frayed. Every person in the platoon
was fed up with the in and out, and then out again,
and then in again, hot; cold, hot and then cold,
and then hot again- it was a nuisance. "If they're
gonna send us, why the hell don't they do it
and quit playin' with us like little tin soldiers."
Dan had his way of saying things, I just listened,
because when Dan was uptight, as he was now,
it was smarter to listen, and even sometimes grunt.
"Tell you one thing, if they think they can keep
getting the smadge (pronounced as a slurred and
shortened Sergeant's Major) in and out and
in and out and in again, they're dreaming in a
mud puddle they'll drown in by God!" He wasn't
enjoying himself, and who could blame him,
it was three in the morning, it was cold, bone
cold, and we'd been up since dawn being told
we'd be next to go. That was when big Dan,
because he was a ferocious fighting giant
of a man, said that odd thing?
"Chuck you speak some Latin don't you?"
"Latin," I thought," at three in the morning?"
But what I ended up saying was, "Yes
Seargeant's Major, I do, speak; some;"
"Hey come on, Chuck, what've I told ya,
when we're by ourselves, you can knock
off the formal, O.K.?"
"It's just easier for me, Dan, to just keep it
all the same, talk wise, you know I know
that we're friends to the core."
"Well anyway, Chuck, Latin you see is this
strange language to me, language you know
has a lot to do with how well a nation does,
did you know that?"
"I'd actually heard something like that as
a theory once, yes..."
"Turns out if folks speak your language because
it's easy to use, they'll likely come around to
your way of thinking, language tends to carry
the power of thought with it, and culture..."
"Yes sergeant's major, and?"
"And Rome, well, they conquered so much of
the world, and yet, the countries they conquered
were slow to adopt their language, and in fact,
Rome wasn't respected, and their language may
have been tied to that?"
"Interesting seargeant's major but what are
you really saying?"
"I'm sayin' that they had a saying, "Tenet
Nosce" know what it means?"
"Uhm, let me see, nosce means to
get to know doesn't it?"
"That's right,"
"and tenet is occupancy, so, get to
know your occupancy, oh, that's it,
know yourself?"
"There you go, another way of saying
be true to yourself."
"And your point..."
"We aren't anymore. You know that lady
I was seeing in the town?"
"The pretty dark haired lady?"
"None other, know what she did?"
"No but you are going to tell me, aren't you?"
"She tells me that she's so busy that she can't
talk to me. I'm thinking, that's odd, so I am
talking with one of her friends, who says that
she gets calls from some guy who isn't my
name, all the time; and she giggles like a little
school girl with him. Well you can imagine
how I took that?"
"You were probably pretty pissed?"
"No I wasn't pissed, I was hurt actually, here
I thought she and I really had something; that
she really cared, and then she goes and does
something like this, seems dishonest to me,
doesn't it to you?"
"Dishonesty and lying are something we
tend to do sergeant's major."
"But not to people you care about- why didn't
she just come out and tell me the truth?'
I snapped back to the present, realizing that
my former girlfriend had said the very same
words to me, and they'd had the same effect.
I realized Dan meant a lot to me, because the
experiences are precious, but it is also the
meaning of what happens when your heart
gets ripped up, when people who shouldn't
lie, and when those lies are even for so called
"good reason," how those lies still cut to the
bone when you discover the truth and they
can no longer hide behind the convenience
of the lie that they thought they could put over
on you. Such is life, as the French have said,
"as in love, so in war"?
Do you suppose that is why Dan's
moment came into my mind as
she finished telling me that she was just too
busy to take my calls? Then when I saw her
with her "Bo" and she had that " oh crap,"
look on her face, well, do you suppose
that what Dan said that night, made an impression
upon my heart, that came ringing into the
present to save it from breaking? Do you suppose
that sometimes the past that we created
can burst truth into the present to save our
hearts from drying up and dying midst all
the present pain? I'm asking because sometimes
it seems to me, we could just keep our mouths
shut, and avoid a lot of pain? Made me wonder
how many times in the world lies are told
to cover up behavior that is not only dishonest
but, against the grander feeling of truth and
love? Since love is a verb, doing for the other
person, and since, obviously, she no longer
felt like that was what she wanted to do,
why go through all the elaborate lies, when
a simple dose of; "we're not what I want
and I should never have lied to you about
loving you," would have been best for all?
My theory on this may not suit you, but
have you ever wondered...
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